


Melodrama

by Vanilla_Ella



Series: Roommates AU [5]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Suicide Attempts, slight domestic abuse, slightly unhealthy relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 02:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14761268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Ella/pseuds/Vanilla_Ella
Summary: "I didn't mean to jump."Four times Tyler didn't understand and the one time he did.





	Melodrama

**Author's Note:**

> Please please don't read this if suicide attempts/self harm triggers you. I love you and I want you to be safe.

"I didn't mean to jump."

The first time it happens, Josh is just wide-eyed, shaking like he doesn't understand either. 

Tyler is confused, looks down the balcony as if to check and see if Josh's body is down twenty floors, splattered on the sidewalk like an egg. It's not.

"Josh, what do you mean?" 

He doesn't understand the first time either, and maybe that's his first mistake as Josh simply shudders, leaning and placing his heavy head on Tyler's shoulder, tickling his skin with his soft, amber curls.

When Tyler strokes his cheek gently, it's a little cold from the five A.M. spring breeze, and Tyler vaguely wonders how long he'd been outside, standing idly on the balcony until Tyler had found him.

It would make him angry, that Josh is losing sleep in favor of babbling nonsense to the city, but Tyler is too tired and confused to be upset that he simply pulls the older boy into his arms.

"C'mon, let's get you inside."

Josh complies silently, his eyes still stuck on the swinging glass door as Tyler pulls him into the warmth of their apartment.

No matter how much Tyler tries to convince himself that nothing's wrong, that Josh's blank stares into nothing and his silence and his heavy-hearted sighs mean nothing, he can't help but feel his skin crawl as Josh sits in front of glass all day, his first words in the morning echoing in his head.

 

•••••

 

"I didn't mean to jump."

The second time it happens, Tyler is angrier than he's ever been.

Maybe the time Zack had broken his brand new lego set as a kid when he was younger, or the time Tyler caught his first girlfriend kissing another boy competed with this round of anger he felt coming about, because in all of those situations, he was losing something he loved.

And Tyler can see Josh beginning to slip through his fingers.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Tyler says it in a low, steady voice, because when he gets angry, it's never explosive, never shouting. It's calm, calculated rage. Joshua called him his stormy ocean for a reason.

"I-I'm sorry," Josh cries, and when he drops the razor, it's louder than it should be, no doubt leaving a bloody crevice in their tile floor. 

Tyler marches over, completely furious as he grabs Josh by his single un-bloody wrist, hauling him up rather violently and ignoring the way he cries out in pain and fear. 

He's mumbling under his breath the entire time he's washing Josh's arm out under the sink, wrapping it in bandages. He calls Josh stupid, a fucking idiot, and the when poor baby sobs and agrees, he snarls at him like an animal, baring his teeth.

Only Tyler is allowed to hurt Josh, not even his angel himself, and even then Tyler doesn't want to be responsible for his blood or tears.

When he's done caring for Josh, he washes his hands, puts away the alcohol and the scissors.

When he finds a few open bottles of medication beside the toilet where Josh was sitting, he suddenly feels like he's set on fire.

He picks them up, stares at them in his hands for a few moments, not wanting to believe they exist but the proof stares back at him in stark white labels and orange translucent plastic.

"Josh," he says quietly.

He hears Josh whimper. "I'm sorry."

"Did you take any?" he looks up at the shaking boy, who's denying silently but aggressively, head swiveling from one way to another. 

"Don't bullshit me!" Tyler shouts, and it startles both himself and the older boy as he stomps his foot. "I know how fucking insane you are, Josh! Now tell me, did you take any?"

"N-no!" Josh sobs, and when Tyler opens the caps to the bottles and begins pouring them down the toilet, Josh is screeching, jumping off the counter and running over. 

He's scratching and clawing and pulling at Tyler's arms to try and stop him, but the younger boy has always been stronger, and without the haze of emotions covering and fueling Josh's actions, he's able to think more clearly.

He quickly elbows the older boy in the stomach, and it does the trick, making Josh stumble off as he clutches his abdomen in pain, gasping.

Only when all the medications are flushed and in the sewer pipes does Tyler hold up the bottles, blood pouring down his arms in little rivers.

There's crimson liquid and skin under Josh's nails, even Tyler can see it from where he's standing, and it makes him twitch angrily, though he barely feels a thing over his heart breaking.

"Fuck you," Josh sobs, "I hate you!"

And Tyler feels the words behind his teeth, the ones that can cause so much more destruction and pain, but he bites his lips to keep them behind and simply settles for glaring at Josh.

He throws the bottles, not really meaning to hit Josh but not caring enough to aim, and a couple hit the younger half-heartedly.

"You're such a fucking idiot," he sneers before quickly storming out of the bathroom.

He spends the afternoon locking up the drawers with the knives, hiding the pills.

Whenever he passes Josh's door, he hears heavy, broken sobbing, and his heart aches.

 

•••••

 

"I didn't mean to jump."

The third time it happens, Tyler's sad.

Josh is in the hospital, surrounded by machines that beep and constantly remind him he's still in this world, still alive.

Tyler stares blankly at him.

"I slipped, Ty," Josh continues, eyes tearing up at the lack of emotion on the younger boy's behalf. "I-I was just fantasizing about what it'd be like and then I l-lost my footing on the stool--"

"Of course you did," Tyler says quietly, it's wrong to feel so heartbroken when he's not the one in the hospital bed, and though all he wants to do is hold his Josh and cry, he doesn't let himself. "You didn't mean to hang yourself when I was out, did you?"

"No, no, I didn't," Josh breaths shakily, and when he smiles a little, Tyler wants to slap it off his face, because it's not happy or joyful. Not for the right reasons.

"You really think you can bullshit me and I'll believe it," Tyler questions, though it truly comes out more as a statement than an inquiry. Maybe because he knows the truth.

Josh blinks and the twisted, pained smile disappears.

Tyler leans forward, arms on his knees as he stares at the older boy seriously.

"I'm sure you didn't mean to jump, baby," he whispers, and it sounds all kinds of wrong on his tongue, like there isn't supposed to be the small drop of poison in his words. "Just in the same way I'm sure you don't gotta keep reassuring me the same old fuckin' thing when I know you don't mean it."

Josh's face falls. 

"T-Tyler--" Its not long before tears well up in his beautiful eyes, and he's reaching out to grab the younger boy's hands, but Tyler keeps them stubbornly out of his reach and on his lap.

"No, don't fuckin' do that to me." 

Josh blinks, slowly draws his hand back as his lip wobbles. 

Tyler says nothing, stands up to sign Josh's release papers and pay the bill.

"I didn't mean to jump," Josh says to himself, "I swear I didn't mean to."

 

•••••

 

"I didn't mean to jump."

The fourth time it happens, Tyler finds him with a gun pressed to his head. 

He's staring at Tyler, eyes full of tears and hands already shaking. There are so many signs that he still can be saved, that he's still alive, but Tyler knows that in his heart, he's already pulled the trigger.

He carefully sits down at the entrance of Josh's room, just behind the door. 

"Are you gonna do it?" Tyler asks quietly. 

A tear slips out down Josh's cheek.

"I already have," he says quietly, and Tyler smiles sadly as he responds, "I know.."

It's hours of just sitting there, waiting to see if Josh will kill both of them by killing himself; it's not the ideal way Tyler dreamt of spending his Friday afternoon right after finishing work, but it's something he needs to do.

When Josh finally tires from holding his arm up, sighing shakily, he lowers the gun from his temple slowly and lets his hand fall to the floor between his criss-crossed knees. Tyler feels like he can breathe.

He quietly stands up, walking over. 

He doesn't take the gun away from Josh, and maybe that's his mistake, because right as he wraps his arms tightly around his best friend, he feels it press against his chest.

Tyler blinks.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he says quietly, and there's not a hint of fear in his heart, not when this has happened before. If anything, he feels irked, annoyed that Josh is trying to pull this shit on him.

"I'm sorry!" Josh sobs into his shoulder, the heavy despair streaked in his voice like too much black paint, and the gun presses harder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ty--"

Tyler leans back a little, looks at Josh. The only thing that's stopping him from tearing the older boy apart with his bare hands is the scared look in his eyes, like an innocent child crying about a monster under the bed.

Tyler loves him too much, and it's a weakness, something he hates owning up to but acts on everyday.

He calmly presses his hand against the barrel of the gun firmly, never once losing eye contact with Josh. He's slow in lowering it, not that he's afraid of setting it off but more so to prove a point, to show the older boy he can easily call bluffs and refuses to be intimidated. 

Josh watches with horrified eyes as his weapon descends to the ground still in hand, looking torn between pulling the trigger and throwing it away far enough where he will lose it. 

When it's completely on the ground and Tyler pries the older boy's hand off of the weapon, Josh's hands come to twist nervously in his own shirt, the tears spilling down his cheeks coming faster.

"I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry," he sobs, and it should annoy Tyler, because, really, when was Josh never sorry?

The older boy presses his face into Tyler's shoulder, winding his sinewy arms around his thin waist. 

Tyler holds him for a moment, rubs his back gently. There's still a large pool of anger boiling in his stomach, waiting to burst out into lava and burn everyone, but he's patient, waiting until Josh's sobs turn into hiccups and the weapon between them is all but forgotten.

Josh is babbling nonsense at this point, and Tyler realizes it's his turn to do so as well.

"You're sorry, hmm?" Tyler murmurs quietly, hand gently traveling up Josh's back and burying in his rich, amber curls.

"Y-yes..."

It all happens in one moment, though it doesn't really need much longer, his anger bursting out as he yanks Josh's head back by his hair, and the older boy screams. 

"I'm sure you're sorry, especially when you keep pulling stupid shit like this," Tyler growls, and he bites Josh's neck roughly, despite the way the older boy flails weakly, letting out guttural moans and shrieks.

They fall back onto the carpet, Tyler lying above his victim as he draws blood with his sharp teeth, hating and loving the way Josh sobs, the way he feels under him. So many nights spent worshipping his ivory skin, so many others imagining what it'd be like to beat black and blue into it. 

"It's one thing to try and kill yourself, sweetheart," Tyler murmurs darkly, in between little laps of his tongue to pick up the blood as Josh shudders. "But you try to threaten me?"

"I'm sorry," Josh cries, heaving panicked breaths. "I didn't m-mean it, I swear!"

Tyler sits up, letting his heart take reign over his actions for just this moment; it's really the only reason why he dares to slap Josh straight across his face.

The mere force of its violence leaves Josh shocked and staring straight at the blank, cracked wall just to the left of himself. 

Not even a tear slips out as Tyler grasps his chin angrily, forcing him to make eye contact. 

"Never, ever, pull that on yourself and me again," he says.

"Yes Tyler."

 

••••••

 

Josh looks out the balcony. Holds a bottle of NyQuil in his hands every night. Ties a striped tie around his neck before going to bed in hopes of it strangling him. Stares at the safe where Tyler locked away his gun, their knives.

"Don't do it, Josh," Tyler says firmly.

"I won't jump," he promises.

Tyler's skeptical, rightfully so, hovers around the older boy, making sure he doesn't try anything stupid. No matter how much it bothers him, his only wish is to keep Josh safe.

Josh keeps his promise.

 

••••••

 

"I didn't mean to jump."

"I know, Josh."

Tyler's sitting on the road, right in the middle of the city street, cradling Josh in his arms.

There's warm liquid traveling down his arms, no doubt seeping from Josh's head. It's dark, 9 P.M., and Tyler can't see despite the neon city lights. 

"That was stupid though," Tyler says quietly, stroking Josh's cheek and smiling as the older boy shudders, grabbing his hand tightly.

"It was a car, coming f-fast past the r-red light," Josh mumbles, "I didn't s-see a better chance t-to do it."

Tyler bites his lips, swallows hard.

"Always looking for ways to end it all, huh?" he says a little shakily, tears finally filling his eyes as he begins realizing that this might be it, that the paramedics are having trouble getting through such a busy city on a Saturday night and won't arrive on time. No matter how many people are standing by, calling 911 or offering to bring water, there's nothing that's stopping Josh from slipping away completely.

And that's what he begins doing, eyes drooping as his weight in Tyler's arms becomes heavier by the moment.

"Josh," Tyler says sternly, or at least tries to, but it comes out broken, easily rivaling the way he's feeling as he grasps his hand tighter. 

It's somehow already going cold.

"Ty?" Josh murmurs. "T-Ty, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," Tyler argues, the tears finally slipping out and dropping onto Josh's bloody face, "because you're gonna be alive and well in just a few hours to pull this shit again over and over." 

Josh smiles a little. 

"Was I ever alive?" Josh whispers quietly, like they're just two best friends discussing an intimate secret on a picnic in front of the lake, so fucking picturesque and perfect.

"Yes, you were," Tyler insists. "I should know, you were always trying to get away from me."

It was in his head as more of a joke, a light-hearted, self-deprecating jab, but once it's out in the open is when Tyler begins seeing the large core of the truth, and it's what makes more and more tears slip down his cheek.

"I didn't mean to treat you so badly, Josh," he says quietly, and his throats feels like it'll burst if he doesn't let himself sob like he wants to, like he needs to, because he just doesn't deserve it. "I didn't mean to make your life even more worse than it already was."

"Shut up," Josh coughs drowsily, eyes still shut as his breathing stutters. "You were the best thing I ever had."

Tyler looks away, unable to force himself to watch Josh fade away so quickly, knowing this time, he wouldn't be able to save him.

"Love you, Ty.."

"Stop," Tyler interrupts sharply, and he holds Josh's body closer to him as he finally hears the ambulance drawing closer. "They're here, you're gonna be fine."

"T-Ty."

It's when bloody fingers gently touch his cheek that Tyler finally looks, and Josh's eyes are half-open, staring at him with a dazed look. There's so much blood.

"Josh, hold on, okay?" Tyler finally sobs, and it's pure desperation that makes his hands claw at Josh's shirt, his heart ripping in two as his eyes begin falling close.

He feels a curtain coming down around them as he begs and pleads for Josh to stay awake, shaking him as much as his arms will allow without letting him go.

He can't let him go. He'll never. 

"Didn't mean to jump," Josh slurs so quietly Tyler can barely hear him.

An ambulance pulls up at the speed of sound, screeching to a sudden halt. Paramedic boots fall on the pavement. 

"I know you didn't mean it, Josh, I know," Tyler promises.

"I only fell."

**Author's Note:**

> There's a difference between jumping and falling. The latter happens more often than we realize and it's almost always never our own fault. Please don't be so hard on yourself; love yourself like I love you.
> 
> Hope you all are doing okay ❤️ Please know I'm always here for you :)


End file.
